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Tuesday
February 21, 2017

Commander Trump

This article was published February 15, 2017 at 4:00 a.m.

Dear editor:

It's been reported that President Trump will soon begin wearing a military uniform befitting his alternate title of commander in chief (uniform designed and furnished by daughter Ivanka's fashion firm).

Commander Trump noted that his cadet training at the NY Military Academy provided him with all the skills needed to lead the wars against the many enemies besieging our country. (A note ... as a former member of the military, it was obvious to me the skill the commander in chief has displayed when performing the hand salute by maintaining a perfectly straight forearm, wrist and hand.) Later, a Trump aide revealed that thousands, even millions of positive comments were received concerning President Trump's heroic salutes. This outpouring of public support led to his epiphany to become the real commander in chief.

Therefore, to protect our nation, and Commander Trump, from all enemies foreign, and particularly domestic, an executive order will be signed by Commander Trump decreeing immediate enactment of martial law.

Martial law will allow the:

  1. Suspension of the Constitution and the Bill of Rights.

  2. Federal courts to be put in subjection to Commander Trump's review.

  3. Appointment of military governors for all states in which the disgraced Hillary Clinton carried the popular vote in the 2016 election.

  4. "Extreme vetted" Trump supporters to be awarded special gold "Commander Badges" and red "Make America Great Again" caps. Display of this regalia will serve as notice to ordinary citizens that they must show new, government-issued ID cards upon demand.

  5. Democrats, blacks, gays, Hispanics, journalists and other "suspected minorities" must wear special yellow necklaces to which their government ID card will be affixed.

Other likely edicts to follow are:

  1. Establishment of a national news station. The government will electronically tune all TV sets to Fox News a minimum of 10 hours per day.

  2. Another great wall to be built. In addition to the Mexican-funded Southern wall, Canada will be told it will pay for a Great Northern Wall.

  3. Each calendar week, one of the 50 states (in alphabetical order) will be required to furnish 10,000 uniformed, marching "Trumpettes" to pass in review of Commander Trump in Washington, D.C.

  4. Erection of "huuuge" statues of Commander Trump that will be prominently placed on the lawn of each of the 50 state capitals.

Two administrative changes worth noting will be made. VP Pence will become aide-de-camp to Commander Trump. He will be responsible for making sure that the commander's uniform is pressed, and his shoes shined each night.

Secretary of Defense General "Mad Dog" Mattis will be fitted with a muzzle and will become the commander's chauffeur.

Long live Commander Trump.

Gary Grogan

Hot Springs

Editorial on 02/15/2017

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