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What if Noah had tried to build the Ark today?

OPINION by Jim Davidson | October 3, 2021 at 4:00 a.m.

Have you ever read or heard something that would have been funny if it were not so close to the truth? Sometime back a faithful reader, Dorothy Kuhn from the great state of Kentucky, sent me something that certainly qualifies. It is an article titled, "What if Noah Tried to Build the Ark Today?" We all know the story of Noah and the Ark in the Bible, so please allow me to share this article with you.

It begins: "And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, 'In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed, but I want to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore I am commanding you to build an Ark.'

"In a flash of lightning God delivered the specifications for the Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark. 'Remember,' said the Lord, 'you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year.'

"Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. 'Noah,' he shouted. 'Where is the Ark?' 'Lord, please forgive me,' cried Noah. 'I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm to redraw the plans.'

'Then I got into a fight with the Fire Marshal and OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved flotation devices. Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the local planning commission. Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl ... but I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls, so, no owls.'

'Then the carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw and hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark but still no owls. When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard, mumbling something about Obama and fairness.

'Just when I finally got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the Creator of the Universe. Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. So, I sent them a globe. Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking Godless, unbelieving people aboard.

'The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I am building the Ark in preparation to flee the country and not pay taxes.' He concludes by saying, 'I don't think I can finish the Ark for at least ... another five or six years.'"

"Noah waited for a response from the Lord. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. 'You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?' 'No,' he said sadly, 'I don't have to. The Government already has'."

As I said, this would have been funny, if it had not been so close to the truth. We have room to improve, but our system is still the best on earth.

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