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Meowing Mussolini

OPINION by Harry Porter | September 5, 2021 at 4:00 a.m.

My wife, Victoria, had an appointment with an allergist recently. She went through the entire allergy screening to determine what triggers her allergies. Luckily, she found out after several pinpricks that she is allergic to absolutely nothing. This information even surprised the doctor because he thought she would at the very least be allergic to mold. The results were conclusive and she is completely allergy free.

Prior to her doctor's visit, I was sure she would test positive for allergies to pet dander. After all, we have two cats and a dog living in our house with us. I thought perhaps we could thin the herd a little if she was diagnosed with an allergy to the pets.

However, my wife assured me that even if she tested positive for pet allergies she would gladly take the medication to prevent our pets from moving out. I told her that treatment might include a weekly or monthly shot. I know she does not care for needles. This did not deter her. She said if that's what it took, she would happily take the injections.

It is not that I dislike the pets. I just feel that one of them has initiated a concerted campaign to rule the entire household. It all began when my wife found our newest cat, Lakeyn, on the side of the road. After my wife and daughter nursed the kitten to full health, strange events began to happen. I watched as this kitten began to dominate the adult cat, Jewel, and adult Chiweenie dog, Marley. She manipulated my wife into feeding her first and soon bulked on additional feedings and snacks, something Jewel and Marley previously did not enjoy. Therefore, the cat and dog quickly fell under the spell of this new kitten. Lakeyn quickly assumed her role as the dominant pet in our home. Backed up by my wife and daughter as enforcers anytime the other animals did not bend a knee to Lakeyn's wishes.

After establishing her crown role inside the animal kingdom, she set her eyes on the human domain. She quickly claimed every chair and couch in the house. If she is sleeping in my wife's favorite chair, my wife will sit on the couch until her majesty awakens and moves from that spot. If my daughter is getting ready in the morning and the small sovereign decides to play in the sink, the faucet is left on. Consideration of the water bill are tossed aside when the petite princess wants to be entertained by the water.

Next, the meowing Mussolini set her sights on me. She was bothered by the noise my slippers made as I walked across the floor. She would cower in fabricated fear each time I walked by. I would be subjected to condemnation from her two human guardians, my wife and daughter, on each of my trips through the living room. Therefore, I stopped wearing my house shoes in order to not rile up the tiny tyrant.

Her most recent display of power was when she was going in to be fixed. She had surgery scheduled for 9 a.m. and the veterinarian had told my wife the cat could not eat anything before the operation. In order to prevent angering or inconveniencing the dainty despot, my wife decreed that no one could eat breakfast that morning. Everyone would have to wait to eat until the agile autocrat had been swept away to her procedure.

Unfortunately, I discovered her power plays too late. She bypassed my Maginot Line within her first week in our home. I am now left to run an underground resistance campaign. My first attempt, the allergy idea, failed but I will keep up the good fight. Perhaps I can gain additional allies in Jewel and Marley now that their food supply was interrupted by the queen's doctor visit.

I will keep you updated on my fight for freedom from the feline. However, I do suspect many of you reading this are serving your own hairy heads of state. Never surrender.

Print Headline: Meowing Mussolini

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