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A hydration nation

OPINION by Harry Porter | July 3, 2022 at 4:00 a.m.

There appears to be a strange type of fertilizer emanating from the walls of my house. It is not your typical type of fertilizer. It does not cause plants to grow or allow them to produce larger fruit. No, this fertilizer is unique. It causes insulated water bottles to multiply.

A few months ago, I purchased a 32-ounce insulated water bottle to use at my office. I grew tired of constantly having to grab a new plastic water bottle and my wife told me it was bad for the environment to use that much plastic. Therefore, like the obedient husband I am, I purchased a reusable water bottle.

At the time of my purchase, the only other insulated water bottle in my house was the one my daughter took to school each day. There was a total of two water bottles in my household. This number would grow exponentially in the next few months.

The next one to appear was one my wife purchased to take to her office so she could be fully hydrated throughout the day. I thought nothing of it. It made perfect sense considering my wife's penchant for recycling and being a good citizen of the planet.

The odd fertilizer began to kick in when I noticed my daughter now had two water bottles. When I inquired about it, I was told one was for regular water and one was for flavored water. OK ... I thought one could be used for both purposes. But then again, what do I know.

The hydrating humus next delivered a second water bottle for my wife. Of course, being the curious individual I am, I asked the reasoning behind the addition. I once again was instructed that one could not mix flavored and unflavored water in the same container. How stupid of me. Only a barbarian would consider a dual-use water container.

Finally, the potent potash delivered a water bottle fit for a prize at the county fair. A 1-gallon water jug appeared in our sink one day. This jumbo jug was a true sight to see. It not only was huge but it came with a lid designed with a straw. This would prevent the drinker from getting a hernia by trying to lift the colossal carafe.

Stupidly I asked where the giant jug came from. I was told that in order to meet the minimum requirements for hydration my wife would need to drink the entire contents of that decanter each day. That seemed like a lot of water but I know hydration is important. So I chalked it up to the new fertilizer and continued with my day.

Why does our house grow extra water bottles? Who knows? It is not my place to question the fertilizer. It is my place to just make sure the water bottles stay full. Because like they say, sip happens.

Print Headline: A hydration nation


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