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Wild Wild Bread

OPINION by Harry Porter | November 13, 2022 at 4:00 a.m.

Growing up one of my favorite television shows was "The Wild Wild West." The best way I could describe the show is it is as if Matt Dillion meets James Bond meets Jim Kirk. A western with espionage and science fiction elements.

The first thing that attracted me to the show was that James West had a cool gadget strapped to his right forearm under his jacket sleeve. The apparatus would cause a derringer to slide forward into West's hand when he triggered the device. West would always have his main sidearm taken away by the bad guys but he had his trusty derringer to turn the tide back in his favor. West always had a backup plan.

I have incorporated this philosophy into my life in terms of grocery shopping. My wife sends me to the grocery store with a shopping list to prevent as many errors as possible. The issue stems from the fact that sometimes the list is very vague. Take, for instance, a recent trip that included "French bread" on the list.

Growing up when my family had French bread it was a long loaf wrapped in tinfoil. However, it appeared strange to me to see that on the list because I never recall seeing that type of bread in my married household. The issue was exaggerated by the fact that my wife has the millennial tendency of not answering texts or calls to her cellphone. Therefore, for a shopping expedition, I am pretty much out there on my own and I am afraid.

My fear stems from the fact that when I do get the wrong items at the grocery store I am in for a good tongue-lashing from my bride. She cannot understand how I have so much trouble getting the "simple things" on the list. Trust me when I tell you that a dressing down from my wife is just as scary as facing West's archenemy Dr. Miguelito Loveless.

That was until I adopted James West's philosophy of always having a backup plan. Back to the great French bread incident. I was faced with having to make a decision on what type of French bread to buy. I dare not purchase the wrong type. So what did I do? I purchased the long tube but I also purchase a box of Texas toast that I had seen in our house before.

I arrived home and as my wife and I were unpacking the groceries, she noticed the long tin-foiled tube of bread. That was not the right kind. Just as she was getting ramped up to let me have it for buying the wrong kind of bread, I pulled a Jim West on her. Like West and his secret derringer, I reached into the bag and pulled out the box of Texas toast. Fortunately, this was the correct type of bread. It stopped her in her tracks.

Or so I thought. It only delayed the retribution. I was then instructed that I was wasting money by purchasing two types of bread. My cool backup move had been thwarted by economics.

Dr. Miguelito Loveless escaped capture by Jim West on 10 different episodes of the series. I guess I am similar to West in that category. Perhaps I should immolate James Bond instead. Of course, I think I would still run into Dr. No on a regular basis.

Print Headline: Wild Wild Bread

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