A nut conspiracy

I was enjoying some mixed nuts the other day when I started reading the label as to what type of nuts were included. Why do walnuts get to have the word nut at the end of their name while almonds do not? The same could be said for peanuts and cashews or chestnuts and pistachios.

Is there some type of hierarchy in the nut world that I am not privy to? Are some nuts considered lesser than other nuts? Why would the nut world need a caste system?

According to Merriam-Webster, a nut is defined as a hard-shell dry fruit or seed with a separable rind or shell and interior kernel. Nowhere in that does it state in order to be considered a "real nut" the word nut must be included in the name. Therefore, that would mean the nuts have some type of society in place that attempts to keep some nuts from gaining their rightful place in the nut world.

I would assume that peanuts would be the king of the nut world. The peanut, also known as the groundnut or monkey nut is the most consumed nut by Americans (by far), and they are the only nut showing consistent growth over the years. In 2019 there were over 5.5 billion peanuts produced in the United States alone. This would lead to peanuts becoming much more tyrannical than other nuts. I mean look at Mr. Peanut with his monocle and top hat. That screams elitism.

Chestnuts strike me as being the kind of nut that thinks it is special just because it is featured in "The Christmas Song." It is pretty cool to have Nat King Cole sing your name in a holiday classic but does it mean you are better than the other nuts? Chestnuts really need to get over themselves.

Now we come to the snob of the nut world, walnuts. Walnuts are rich in omega-3 fats and contain higher amounts of antioxidants than most other foods. Walnuts are extremely popular with bakers. If you have ever heard a baker talk about walnuts, you know how passionate they are about them. I cannot count the times I have heard someone excitedly say, "The secret to the recipe is you use walnuts." Moreover, there is that whole black walnut ice cream component that makes walnuts think they are so special. I can just see walnut making pistachio cry because walnut's ice cream is more popular.

To show my solidarity for the nuts who are not allowed to use their last name, I will begin eating only almonds, cashews and pecans. I will not be part of any type of class bullying and will stand firm with my downtrodden nut brothers and sisters.

I may even start a petition to have the name of peanuts changed. Because after doing some research I discovered that because peanuts grow in pods that mature underground they are technically classified as a legume, like peas. How hoity-toity would king peanut be if he was referred to as peagumes or pealegs?

Could all of this stem from something else completely? Could it be a conscious decision on almond, cashews and pistachios part to not be recognized as a nut? Because sometimes you feel like a nut and sometimes you don't.